The art of the tell-all book

First there was news of an upcoming tell-all book by Jason Donovan, supposedly revealing all the sordid details of his relationship with Kylie Minogue, and now Australia’s own political red-headed stepchild, Pauline Hanson, is claiming in her autobiography that she had an affair with her former political advisor, David Oldfield. (For what it’s worth, Donovan denies the details of the book, and Oldfield—quite wisely—denies sleeping with Hanson.)

These aren’t the first tell-all books to be written, and they certainly won’t be the last. So how do you write your very own tell-all book? Here are some tips:

• get involved in scandalous sexual relationships, making sure to keep any photos, etc. that are taken during those steamy moments involving livestock
• do as many drugs as humanly possible, taking notes for future reference when you’re writing about the time you did coke with Donny Osmond
• remember to include that anecdote about the time you had to help Michael Hutchence at the urinal after he dropped acid and started raving about “the colours”
• invent a mystery illness that may (or may not) be AIDS, all the while alluding to a same-sex relationship with a famous rock star (note: not James Blunt)
• pad the rest out with endless exposition about your idyllic childhood on the family farm, contrasting this with the fact that you’ve had a recent falling out with your family
• claim that your mystery illness has put you in financial dire straits, and that now that you’ve been cut-off by your family, you’ve been forced to write this book in the hopes of once again being financially solvent
• get a stalker, or (better yet) stalk someone else
• launch your comeback on Dancing With the Stars
• don’t forget to hire a lawyer!

Follow these steps and you’ll be well on your way to fame (infamy?) and fortune!

(Thanks to Kathleen for some of the tips.)