Here at Bleat!, we listen to our readers. Sometimes they send us lengthy manifestos detailing the End Times, but mostly they just want a listening ear and some friendly advice. With this in mind, we present a new column: Virtual Prozac.
Here’s our first letter:
Dear Bleat,
I want to request that you setup an advice column; if you can’t do that perhaps you can help me with something I need advice with.
I’ve been with my wife for five years now, and I’m starting to feel guilty… You see for over half of my marriage I’ve been having an extra marital affair with my mother in law.
I don’t know what to do; I love my wife with all my heart however my mother in law is the best I’ve ever had… I want them both… and to make matters worse I sometimes feel guilty having sex with my wife as I feel I should be saving that aspect of myself for my mother in law… Should I continue on down the path I am currently travelling? Or set things right?
Confused Lover
Any advice for “Confused Lover”?
(Remember, if you’ve got a problem that you need advice on, email it to “bleat at thewhimwham dot com”—your anonymity is assured!)
March 22, 2007 at 1:29 pm |
Dear Confused Lover,
It’s obvious you are a cheating arsehole with no conscience, so I’m not going to try to convince you to do the right thing – if you knew what the right thing was, you wouldn’t have had sex with the woman that birthed your wife out of her immoral vagina, in the first place. So my suggestion is, keep doing what’s right for you, but add even more spice to the pot. I mean, how hot would a mother, daughter and you threesome be? Your slut mother in law won’t need convincing, so it’s the wife you’ll have to bring around to the idea. You could get your wife in the mood by giving her a backrub and once you’ve rubbed all her tension out, slip that tape into the VCR of you and her mother going at it. If she doesn’t flee the room screaming in horror, it’s a sure thing.
March 22, 2007 at 1:32 pm |
Are you serious??? You honestly believe that it’s immoral to sleep with your mother-in-law, but it’s okay to have a threesome with your mother-in-law and wife??? Dead set…
March 22, 2007 at 2:29 pm |
Dear Confused Lover,
Let me guess, your mother breastfed you until you were five and now you can’t lay off the Mummy Love. Essentially, you’ve found yourself in a love triangle, albeit a twisted one.
Didn’t anybody tell you you can’t have your cake and eat it too? You need to make a choice; you can’t sleep with both women because it betrays their commitment to you (unless everyone really is into threesomes in which case – woohoo! Game on for you!).
So, who’s it gonna be – the experienced Mrs Robinson or the wild, young nymph? If you can’t choose then leave the situation altogether before this whole thing blows up in your face and you find yourself explaining all this to Jerry Springer…
March 22, 2007 at 2:48 pm |
Dion – I’m never gonna marry you if it means I can’t have your mum too – she’s hot!!!
March 22, 2007 at 2:59 pm |
Boff,
He made the choice when he married the daughter, don’t you think?
Kathleen,
I’ll pass that along.
March 22, 2007 at 3:13 pm |
People make wrong choices all the time and people’s feelings can change… just because you married someone in the past doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll still be in love with (or want to stay with them) in the future.
So, yes, he made a choice but obviously there’s deeper issues at work. Either he doesn’t love his wife and the mother-in-law in a passive-aggressive way of seeking an end to his relationship with her or he’s found something better with the mother-in-law that he didn’t previously realise existed. Or he could just have a mother fetish.
March 22, 2007 at 5:29 pm |
I don’t care what he does as long as keeps us updated…
March 22, 2007 at 5:42 pm |
…and takes pictures?
March 22, 2007 at 6:44 pm |
Yeah, pictures. Mmmm. It depends. Are these people over 30?
Dion, the difference between having an affair with your mother-in-law (shudder) and having a threesome with your wife and her mother (shudder) is honesty. At least with a threesome everyone knows what’s going on…
(Shudder) (Shudder) (Shudder)
March 22, 2007 at 6:46 pm |
Dear Confused Lover,
Don’t forget the moonshine and your banjo for afterwards.
March 22, 2007 at 9:38 pm |
If the mother’s under 30, the wife would be, what, 15 at best? He married her when she was 10?
March 23, 2007 at 5:14 pm |
Yeah, I was thinking about that last night. You can’t squeeze both of them into gap between the legal age of consent (here, 16) and 30, if you accept that they were married five years ago. Hmmm…why do I want to watch two women and one guy? Why do two guys never have a threesome with one girl? I’ve *heard* of it happening, but finding pictures is difficult…
March 23, 2007 at 8:24 pm |
I promise I’ll take pictures if I ever find myself in a 2-men, 1-woman threesome (god willing)
I suspect it rarely happens though because men are usually too possessive to share a girl with another man. At least at the same time.
March 23, 2007 at 11:10 pm |
This guy is a total idiot. Normally I would recommend suicide but I believe there is a more creative option that may well achieve the same result.
Confused Lover, tell your wife you are having sex with her mother. Then make yourself some tea and wait to die. Someone will do it, the father in law, your wife, the mother in law.. it is a likely outcome. If this hasn’t happened within 36 hours I suggest throwing yourself off a bridge (not into traffic though–someone might get hurt).
March 23, 2007 at 11:57 pm |
MadameBoffin, should you find yourself in that situation, I would hope you would have better things to do than fiddle with the zoom lens on your camera…not that I’d complain about the pictures!
March 23, 2007 at 11:58 pm |
Colin – finding those pictures isn’t -that- difficult
March 24, 2007 at 1:57 pm |
Confused Lover,
I think you are confused—I think you’re a confused, sick individual. You need to stop sleeping with your mother-in-law, be honest with your wife and then seek professional help.
And if you have a threesome, send the photos to Colin.
March 24, 2007 at 11:48 pm |
Colin, I think it’s almost standard practice that if you find yourself in a 3some you stop to take pictures before continuing with the fun. I mean, this sort of stuff has to be recorded for posterity
March 27, 2007 at 12:56 am |
MadameBoffin, I can’t take pictures of my threesomes. My mother says I can’t put any more sheep photos on my bedroom wall, that they are not “artistic”, and that she doesn’t give a damn about my “freedom of speech”.
I think she’s just upset because you see her in one of them.
March 27, 2007 at 12:56 am |
Kathleen – prove it.
March 29, 2007 at 12:37 am |
Colin – I’ve seen those pictures, and I’d appreciate it if you’d remove my superimposed face from the sheep sometime