Stayin’ Alive (or, Better dead than human-fed)

March 21, 2007

Knut

Ah, little Knut, the cuddly polar bear cub, first rejected by his mother and then by animal rights activists.

Animal rights activist Frank Albrecht told Germany’s Bild newspaper: “Hand-rearing a polar bear is not appropriate and is a serious violation of animal rights.

“In fact, the cub should have been killed,” he said.

Even better:

“One should have had the courage to let the bear die then [when Knut's twin died],” Aachen Zoo boss, Wolfram Graf-Rudolf, reportedly told a German newspaper.

Why can’t humans let nature take its course?

Proposal: close all hospitals. You’ve got cancer? Tough shit. You’re obviously meant to die.

We need to have the courage to let the weak fend for themselves.


The Great Reptile Conspiracy

March 20, 2007

I noticed the BBC website have recently started using this really unflattering photo of Tony Blair, which also reveals reptilian characteristics – specifically the sharp pointed teeth. Coincidence? I think not.

Tony Blair


The Real Al Gore

March 20, 2007

Have a good look at Al Gore in this photo. As he ages I believe his true nature is becoming more and more apparent. YES he is a child after David Icke’s own heart. A reptile! Possibly someday to be in control of the greatest country on earth!! Just look at those hooded eyes, the skin.. it’s all true.

Kind of makes me wonder though why he is so het up about the earth getting hotter. I thought reptiles liked the heat?

An Inconvenient Reptilian Overlord


“Curing” drug addiction

March 20, 2007

The history of drug addiction is a great example of why, if we don’t study history, we’re doomed to repeat it.

 In the 1800’s, opium use & abuse in England was widespread, probably on account of the weather they have there, but mostly to keep the China trade in business.  In its natural state, opium contains 10%-15% of morphine, and also some codeine, along with a bunch of other good stuff, and produces a pleasant, relaxed high. 

However, because everyone was indoors smoking opium and not outdoors getting wet like decent Englishmen, it became a problem in search of a solution.

Enter ze Germans. In 1804 Friedrich Serturner synthesized morphine, which was heavily marketed and recommended as a “cure” for opium addiction.

Morphine is extracted directly from opium and is far stronger and produces a far more intense high for a longer period, but has to be injected to be really effective.  In 1853 the hypodermic needle was introduced.

Needless to say, the cure was remarkably successful.   The opium dens shut down, but — strangely — the population were still not running around outside in the healthy rain and snow; when they were seen outdoors they all had smiles on their faces.  This was not a natural state for good old England, oh no.

When, eventually, someone pointed out that morphine was far more of a problem and far more addictive than opium was, the hunt was on : what was now needed was a “cure” for morphine addiction.

 This was soon found, again by ze Germans.  Felix Hoffman, at the Bayer pharmaceutical company, accidentally produced a chemical that was three times more potent than morphine and – although they didn’t realise this at the time – far more addictive.

According to wikipedia, from 1898 to 1910 this new cure was marketed as a “non-addictive” morphine substitute by Bayer.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out that this new cure was “heroin”, synthesized – this time – from morphine.

Bayer have since said “Oops”.

It’s not entirely the Germans’ fault – Englishman C R Alder Wright actually synthesized heroin in 1874, before ze Germans did it.  But the English, not trusting something they’d come up with that made them feel so damn good, ignored Wright’s discovery.   But as soon as ze Germans came bearing gifts, they forgot all their qualms and cured all of their morphine addiction.

Now, the BBC report on a drug called “BZP” being sold and consumed in great quantities.   It has stimulant effects, like methamphetamine.  At the end of the article, the drug is defended by an unnamed shopkeeper:

“On comparison to illegal Ecstasy it’s the same price. It’s not as strong as the street drugs, but it’s a way of getting people off them.”

Ah.  Another cure.


Heather Keeps Her Leg On (But Not Her Hat)

March 20, 2007

Mrs ex-McCartney has made her debut on America’s Dancing With The Stars and, to the disappointment of all, has kept her artificial leg on.

I have heard Bodog.com are offering odds that it will come off during the competition.

I’m gonna put my neck out and prophesy that Heather will lose her leg by week 4 of the competition, providing she hasn’t been voted off first.

If publicists know what’s good for them, they’ll rig Heather’s apparatus to fly off – nothing says RATINGS like a flying limb, particularly the limb of a blood-sucking gold digger. I know I’ll be watching, just on the off-chance that it happens…


Named and Shamed

March 20, 2007

Auto-googlers*, tremble!!!!

Your dirty little secret is out. MadameBoffin has her ear to the ground and she has heard on the grapevine that Kevin Donnelly and Keith Windschuttle of Australia are obsessive ego-surfers. The word’s out on you, boys.

*Auto-googler: someone who obsessively self-googles every day.


The art of the tell-all book

March 19, 2007

First there was news of an upcoming tell-all book by Jason Donovan, supposedly revealing all the sordid details of his relationship with Kylie Minogue, and now Australia’s own political red-headed stepchild, Pauline Hanson, is claiming in her autobiography that she had an affair with her former political advisor, David Oldfield. (For what it’s worth, Donovan denies the details of the book, and Oldfield—quite wisely—denies sleeping with Hanson.)

These aren’t the first tell-all books to be written, and they certainly won’t be the last. So how do you write your very own tell-all book? Here are some tips:

  • get involved in scandalous sexual relationships, making sure to keep any photos, etc. that are taken during those steamy moments involving livestock
  • do as many drugs as humanly possible, taking notes for future reference when you’re writing about the time you did coke with Donny Osmond
  • remember to include that anecdote about the time you had to help Michael Hutchence at the urinal after he dropped acid and started raving about “the colours”
  • invent a mystery illness that may (or may not) be AIDS, all the while alluding to a same-sex relationship with a famous rock star (note: not James Blunt)
  • pad the rest out with endless exposition about your idyllic childhood on the family farm, contrasting this with the fact that you’ve had a recent falling out with your family
  • claim that your mystery illness has put you in financial dire straits, and that now that you’ve been cut-off by your family, you’ve been forced to write this book in the hopes of once again being financially solvent
  • get a stalker, or (better yet) stalk someone else
  • launch your comeback on Dancing With the Stars
  • don’t forget to hire a lawyer!

Follow these steps and you’ll be well on your way to fame (infamy?) and fortune!

(Thanks to Kathleen for some of the tips.)


Welcome to Bleat!

March 19, 2007

Hello, and welcome to the wonderful world of Bleat!

This collaborative blog is a rather serious affair, touching on important cultural issues that affect our daily lives. And by “serious” I mean “not completely serious,” and by “not completely serious” I mean “decidedly UNserious” (were “unserious” a real word).

Like a sheep with more wool than sense, at Bleat! we hope to give you, the reader, valuable insight into matters of pop culture, politics and life, bleating away in some desperate bid for attention. Or maybe because we aim to please. Who can say?

So sit back, relax, and prepare to add a bit of bleating to your life…