Phil Collins takes a walk on the brown side

September 13, 2007

Doing the rounds at the moment is this UK ad for Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate.

Say what you will about his songwriting abilities but, in the ’70s, Phil Collins was one of the best drummers in rock (along with people like Bill Bruford who, not coincidentally, was a touring member of Genesis in 1976).

The question, though, is could a trained monkey do as good a job?


I CAN HAS STINGRAY

September 4, 2007

I CAN HAS STINGRAY

Finally, after a year-long silence, the skipper of the support vessel Deepstar, Pete West, has courageously spoken up and revealed all the juicy details of Steve Irwin’s untimely demise.

Surprisingly, the footage shows only a trickle of blood trailing from Irwin’s chest after the stingray struck him through the heart.

He appears to clutch at his chest for a moment as he goes into cardiac arrest.

That the Crocodile Hunter could be mortally wounded only becomes apparent as the khaki-clad conservationist floats motionless in the water.

“It was not that obvious,” said Mr West…

Of course, the amount of bleeding — probably the only detail that wasn’t either already known or easily surmised — was one of those tidbits I’ve been hanging out for. Thanks, Pete!

“The footage shows him swimming in the water, the ray stopped and turned and that was it.”

“If it hit him anywhere else we would not be talking about a fatality.”

If it hit him in the crotch, we’d be watching the footage on Funniest Home Video Show instead.


Eddie Murphy from Da Ghetto

August 3, 2007

eddie.jpg

So most people would have heard by now that Eddie Murphy has a bastard child to Scary Spice… and of course he hasn’t acknowledged the fact that “Iris Murphy Brown” now three months old is his daughter as proven by a DNA test.

I can hear you saying “Why are you talking about this?”

I am talking about this to say one simple point; unfortunately in most cases you can take the Homie out of the Ghetto, however you can never take the Ghetto out of the Homie.


Spice Girls to reunite

June 28, 2007

Today — a day some are already calling “the 9/11 of the music world” — the Spice Girls are expected to announce a reunion tour.

Because the world has been desperate for a Spice Girls reunion. DVD sales of Spice World more than established that.

The question, however, is what will happen to Bastard Spice, Scary Spice’s illegitimate daughter to Eddie Murphy? Maybe she can hang-out on the set of her dad’s latest godawful cinematic offering.

(What was I saying about pabulum again?)


Project Backstreet: Operation Layla

June 24, 2007

So I ended up writing a completely different version of Chapter 5 for my Backstreet Boys fanfic — one that included references to quantum mechanics, Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd and The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway by Genesis. But I wasn’t happy with it. It just wasn’t edgy enough!

So I went back to the original Chapter 5 — the dark, disturbing Chapter 5 — and finished it. It is this version that I have posted to the Backstreet Boys Fantasy Fanfics group and which you will find reproduced below. (I may end up recycling the alternate Chapter 5 later on.)

WARNING: This chapter is just really sick. Yes, it’s sicker than even Chapter 2. You have been warned…
Read the rest of this entry »


Project Backstreet update

June 21, 2007

Folks, I’m torn.

I’ve started writing the next chapter in my Backstreet Boys fanfic, and it’s disturbing even me.

On the one hand, the point all along has been to make each chapter increasingly bizarre, surreal and disturbing, but on the other hand, I think I need to pull back a little bit. Gotta give the fans something that’s worth the wait.

So, instead, here’s a link to the Manifesto of Surrealism by Andre Breton: lemonade fury.


Stranger danger with Ronald McDonald

June 14, 2007

In this McDonalds ad dating back to 1963, Ronald gives paedophiles tips on how to lure children using clown makeup and hamburgers.

You think I’m joking? Think again.

As a side note, according to McDonalds via Wikipedia, “Ronald McDonald is second only to Santa Claus in terms of recognition.” Other recognisable figures off the top of my head:

  • Mickey Mouse
  • Jesus Christ
  • Che Guevara

Besides the immediate question of why Disney haven’t created a fast-food chain yet, the most obvious thought is a family restaurant based on the built-in marketability of famous Marxist revolutionaries. Featuring the hilarious antics of Marxie the Clown, the slogan could be as simple as “FROM EACH ACCORDING TO HIS DISPOSABLE INCOME, TO EACH ACCORDING TO HIS NEED FOR HAPPY MEALS”.

Of course, the queues to receive your standard, government-approved fast-food sandwich mean hours of waiting, but isn’t it nice that the benevolent franchise owner looks after all his children?

(Note: I could not verify the Wikipedia-sourced quote above.)


Crikey! Bindi resurrects her dad

June 12, 2007

Bleatsters,

Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late Steve “Crocodile Hunter” Irwin, has resurrected her famous father in order to pad-out her new TV show, Bindi the Jungle Girl:

“It’s downright – well, I don’t know what, but not comfortable – when Steve pops into the treehouse in Saturday’s 5.30pm second episode. He’s crouched behind a desk resting his chin on its edge, his head alongside that of a gorilla skull, which Bindi asks us to tell apart. Sorry. That’s more than I can handle. By the time Steve and wife/widow Terri helped Bindi bid the audience bye-bye at the end of my hour screening disc, I was seriously weirded out.”

It seems to me the Irwins want it both ways. On the one hand, little Bindi wouldn’t be on the fame fast-track were it not for her father’s untimely death, yet on the other hand, they’re pretending that he’s actually still alive. (The Newsday quote specifically states that Steve Irwin is “shown and mentioned in the present tense” in the show.)

Would Steve himself have a problem with any of this? Probably not. But at this point everyone involved should be avoiding the appearance of exploitation — of Irwin’s death and his daughter’s vulnerable state — not encouraging it.

For a man whose persona was surprisingly free of pretence, his legacy is becoming more “showbiz” by the minute.


Pruno and Priviledge OR Mr. Darcy’s Tits Look Great in Orange

June 10, 2007

My disappointment of the week, perhaps the month, was the return of Paris Hilton to the slammer. Her release only three days after starting her sentence was an unexpected boon to my entrepreneurial habits. Yes Paris was going to make me some money and no clothes were going to be removed. Bizarrely several of my obsessive hobbies had coincided in one fine moment of celebrity roasting and tribute. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, or BPAL as it’s fandom knows it is a gothic and literary perfume oil company. With over 800 scents in it’s catalogue this place has a fandom Stargate should envy. While I have yet to come across any BPAL slash the fandom is replete with forums, trolls, flame wars, livejournal communities and a history increasingly hard for a newcomer to unravel, if they even want to. It warms my heart to see the joys of fandom spreading to products other than media. This is the way life should be.

In honour of Paris Hilton’s incarceration BPAL released two limited edition perfume oils, Pruno and Priviledge. Pruno is a jailhouse moonshine brewed by prisoners from such diverse ingredients as ketchup and apples. Those prisoners are so creative! BPAL promised that these limited releases would be available only for as long as Paris remained in the prison and that a portion of the profits would be donated to a women’s shelter in Los Angeles. Being one of those of creatures who have the collecting gene, inherited from my father, I could not pass this up and promptly ordered both of them. With a rare BPAL going for US700.00 on ebay last year this could be a good investment (a common collector delusion: past prices of other items mean you should buy THIS item). So I was ECSTATIC when Paris was released because that meant the limited editions had only been available for three days!! They were even more limited than expected. That night I felt like I’d suddenly discovered my Dathon action figure came with ~~omg~~ a pog. (I refuse to add links for this. You wannabe fandom geeks will have to do your own research.)

But then they returned Paris to the slammer. What a total bummer that was. I am hoping she appeals as there is NO way a delicate flower such as herself should be behind bars. She should be released or, even better for collectors with foresight, die. Perhaps from a tussle related to the unwelcome advances of Mr. Darcy with a butch cut. This would be a bitter pruno to drink for her fans but the oil would then take on Marilyn proportions as a collector item.


ParisWatch: Paris discovers prison wormhole!

June 8, 2007

Apparently Paris Hilton has discovered a small wormhole while staying in prison! That’s the assumption I’m making, anyway, to explain how her 23-day sentence magically transformed into a three day stay… unless it was simply, you know, a complete fucking failure of the US justice system.

I swear to God, this is the sort of shit that starts riots in L.A.

Paris will now be under house arrest for 40 days. Hopefully her friends, dealers, hangers-on and assorted house servants will help her get through this difficult and trying time.

UPDATE: The judge who sentenced Hilton is pissed off and may go V-Tech at any moment:

Hours after Paris Hilton was sent home from jail for a medical condition, the judge who put her in jail on a probation violation ordered her back to court to determine whether she should leave house arrest and go back behind bars.

Indeed.