I CAN HAS STINGRAY

Finally, after a year-long silence, the skipper of the support vessel Deepstar, Pete West, has courageously spoken up and revealed all the juicy details of Steve Irwin’s untimely demise.

Surprisingly, the footage shows only a trickle of blood trailing from Irwin’s chest after the stingray struck him through the heart.

He appears to clutch at his chest for a moment as he goes into cardiac arrest.

That the Crocodile Hunter could be mortally wounded only becomes apparent as the khaki-clad conservationist floats motionless in the water.

“It was not that obvious,” said Mr West…

Of course, the amount of bleeding — probably the only detail that wasn’t either already known or easily surmised — was one of those tidbits I’ve been hanging out for. Thanks, Pete!

“The footage shows him swimming in the water, the ray stopped and turned and that was it.”

“If it hit him anywhere else we would not be talking about a fatality.”

If it hit him in the crotch, we’d be watching the footage on Funniest Home Video Show instead.

Eddie Murphy from Da Ghetto

So most people would have heard by now that Eddie Murphy has a bastard child to Scary Spice… and of course he hasn’t acknowledged the fact that “Iris Murphy Brown” now three months old is his daughter as proven by a DNA test.

I can hear you saying “Why are you talking about this?”

I am talking about this to say one simple point; unfortunately in most cases you can take the Homie out of the Ghetto, however you can never take the Ghetto out of the Homie.

Crikey! Bindi resurrects her dad

Bleatsters,

Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late Steve “Crocodile Hunter” Irwin, has resurrected her famous father in order to pad-out her new TV show, Bindi the Jungle Girl:

“It’s downright – well, I don’t know what, but not comfortable – when Steve pops into the treehouse in Saturday’s 5.30pm second episode. He’s crouched behind a desk resting his chin on its edge, his head alongside that of a gorilla skull, which Bindi asks us to tell apart. Sorry. That’s more than I can handle. By the time Steve and wife/widow Terri helped Bindi bid the audience bye-bye at the end of my hour screening disc, I was seriously weirded out.”

It seems to me the Irwins want it both ways. On the one hand, little Bindi wouldn’t be on the fame fast-track were it not for her father’s untimely death, yet on the other hand, they’re pretending that he’s actually still alive. (The Newsday quote specifically states that Steve Irwin is “shown and mentioned in the present tense” in the show.)

Would Steve himself have a problem with any of this? Probably not. But at this point everyone involved should be avoiding the appearance of exploitation — of Irwin’s death and his daughter’s vulnerable state — not encouraging it.

For a man whose persona was surprisingly free of pretence, his legacy is becoming more “showbiz” by the minute.

Pruno and Priviledge OR Mr. Darcy’s Tits Look Great in Orange

My disappointment of the week, perhaps the month, was the return of Paris Hilton to the slammer. Her release only three days after starting her sentence was an unexpected boon to my entrepreneurial habits. Yes Paris was going to make me some money and no clothes were going to be removed. Bizarrely several of my obsessive hobbies had coincided in one fine moment of celebrity roasting and tribute. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, or BPAL as it’s fandom knows it is a gothic and literary perfume oil company. With over 800 scents in it’s catalogue this place has a fandom Stargate should envy. While I have yet to come across any BPAL slash the fandom is replete with forums, trolls, flame wars, livejournal communities and a history increasingly hard for a newcomer to unravel, if they even want to. It warms my heart to see the joys of fandom spreading to products other than media. This is the way life should be.

In honour of Paris Hilton’s incarceration BPAL released two limited edition perfume oils, Pruno and Priviledge. Pruno is a jailhouse moonshine brewed by prisoners from such diverse ingredients as ketchup and apples. Those prisoners are so creative! BPAL promised that these limited releases would be available only for as long as Paris remained in the prison and that a portion of the profits would be donated to a women’s shelter in Los Angeles. Being one of those of creatures who have the collecting gene, inherited from my father, I could not pass this up and promptly ordered both of them. With a rare BPAL going for US700.00 on ebay last year this could be a good investment (a common collector delusion: past prices of other items mean you should buy THIS item). So I was ECSTATIC when Paris was released because that meant the limited editions had only been available for three days!! They were even more limited than expected. That night I felt like I’d suddenly discovered my Dathon action figure came with ~~omg~~ a pog. (I refuse to add links for this. You wannabe fandom geeks will have to do your own research.)

But then they returned Paris to the slammer. What a total bummer that was. I am hoping she appeals as there is NO way a delicate flower such as herself should be behind bars. She should be released or, even better for collectors with foresight, die. Perhaps from a tussle related to the unwelcome advances of Mr. Darcy with a butch cut. This would be a bitter pruno to drink for her fans but the oil would then take on Marilyn proportions as a collector item.

ParisWatch: Paris discovers prison wormhole!

Apparently Paris Hilton has discovered a small wormhole while staying in prison! That’s the assumption I’m making, anyway, to explain how her 23-day sentence magically transformed into a three day stay… unless it was simply, you know, a complete fucking failure of the US justice system.

I swear to God, this is the sort of shit that starts riots in L.A.

Paris will now be under house arrest for 40 days. Hopefully her friends, dealers, hangers-on and assorted house servants will help her get through this difficult and trying time.

UPDATE: The judge who sentenced Hilton is pissed off and may go V-Tech at any moment:

Hours after Paris Hilton was sent home from jail for a medical condition, the judge who put her in jail on a probation violation ordered her back to court to determine whether she should leave house arrest and go back behind bars.

Indeed.

ParisWatch: Freakout in the Big House

Besides gaol (jail?) being quite a contrast to Paris’s usual five-star lifestyle (“She has three little blankets and no pillow…” — is she in Abu Ghraib???), Ms. Hilton is being treated quite nicely by her fellow inmates:

Inmates actually struck up a chant when Paris went back to her cell earlier today. As she walked by they struck up a chorus, “Paris! Paris! Paris!” We’re told she smiled and waved. Some inmates have been coming up to her cell door, mostly to say hi. One inmate said, “You don’t deserve to be here.” Another made an origami butterfly from a magazine page and slipped it under her door. Another slipped a drawing book under her door. The guards, Paris says, have all been nice.

Hopefully the next gift will be a toothbrush-shiv to stab one of the guards in the ribs with!

Anna Nicole’s diary

You know, I can’t get enough Anna Nicole news. Sure, her life was a bit of a circus, but if in life she was an act in the Ringling Bros. show, then in death she’s one of the freaks hanging around Jim Rose… and they’re always entertaining.

In any case, her diaries from the early 1990s are now going on auction. An excerpt:

My husbands very weak, theres nothing I can do I wait each hour to comfort him with medicines and prayers…

The shock here is not the appalling grammar—she was never regarded as a wordsmith on the level of Shakespeare or Eminem—but the scrawl that passes for penmanship amongst drug-addled gold-diggers these days. (See the photo in the article here.)

Clearly, something needs to be done about this situation. Firstly, let’s get back to basics: I was taught the “foundation” script in the late ’80s (with those cards with the angled lines to place under your page), and if it was good enough for me, then it’s good enough for everyone. Secondly, kids need to know that you don’t mix cases in the middle of a word. (Were the Bible written today, it would have started with “In The beginning GoD cReated the Heaven and the earth.”) Thirdly, too much emphasis is being placed on reading and ‘rithmetic—more focus should be placed on ‘riting. In fact, scrap ‘rithmetic altogether.

These eggheads teaching our sex-kittens of tomorrow need to realise that one day their diaries will be up for auction, too, and we’ll only have the education system to blame for their handwriting.

Blowing dad

Keith Richards on snorting his late father’s ashes: “He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared … It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

This, folks, is truly a sign that ol’ Keef has lost it: he’s now cutting his own cocaine. Then again, if anyone snorted Keith Richards’ ashes, he’s probably got enough shit in him to fuck you up for a month.

UPDATE:

Richards’s long-time manager, Jane Rose, sent MTV an email stating: “Said in jest. Can’t believe anyone took [it] seriously.”

Because Richards would never do anything that crazy…

O is for Oprah

Apparently parents of the girls at Oprah’s kick ass new school in South Africa are complaining the school is too strict. No email or video games (I thought these kids have been plucked from huts??) and they are only allowed FRUIT and YOGURT for snacks. The parents are only permitted to visit once a month–perhaps to curtail the smuggling of chocolate into the compound.

Well listen up girls, while you are being educated in your billion dollar school there are a few precepts you will need to start with. Drink deeply of these truths and your education will not fail you.

A is for Abject Poverty, from whence you came.

B is for Blasphemy. There is a lot of this out there in the big world. Stay away from it. You will only cause the your Gracious Mother Oprah pain.

C is for Calories. Now maybe you didn’t get enough of these before you entered the The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls but now that you are here these are very important. They will be a part of your Math studies. Learn them well.

D is for Diet. Try and incorporate a discussion of your diet into all your essays. This will allow your Gracious Mother Oprah to relate to you and hopefully it will improve your grades.

E is for Entertainment Weekly. They will visit regularly. Smile brilliantly and you might get some extra fruit.

F is for fundraising. See above, re the smiling.

G is for Gayle. She is Oprah’s special friend, but not too special; this is still South Africa.

H is for Haiku.

We freeze like gazelle
Gracious Mother Oprah hears
Crackle of chips bag.

I is for “If Oprah was President“. Girls, when you dream this for Momma Oprah you will be dreaming it for yourselves as well!

“I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.” O.W.

J is for Juggernaut. Always wanted to be a part of something? Well now you well and truly are! Just think in 5 or 10 years a certain number of you will be guests on Oprah’s show, shining products of her charity. And a certain number of you will be on Oprah’s rivals’ shows, revealing tales of your years in Oprah’s Gulag.

K is for kilojoules. This will feature in your Math unit, “Our Friend, the Metric System”.

L is for Leadership qualities, a necessity for acceptance. Pity the poor introvert whose brilliance failed to shine.

M is for Maya Angelou. She is the greatest literary figure in the Western world and you will be reading her collected works throughout your English studies.

N is for NetNanny. You might try complaining about this instead of moaning about too much fruit. You tech types will need to learn how to crack NetNanny if you want to experience true freedom of speech. Remember Mandela!! This should be your cry if caught.

O IS FOR OPRAH.

P is for Dr. Phil. Peevish feelings about school? How’s that workin’ for you?

Q is for Questions. Is the school run along American lines or is it truly a South African institution? Will there be a Prom? How will Oprah deal with values other than her own being taught?

R is for Roots, a book Oprah may well have been enamored with in her youth.

“I love this country–the land, the people. Africa represents the root of my ancestors, the root of me.” O.W.

“My first day in Chicago, September 4, 1983. I set foot in this city, and just walking down the street, it was like roots, like the motherland. I knew I belonged here.” O.W.

S is for Stedman. Any of you girls developing a school girl crush on Oprah should study People magazine carefully for more information.

T is for Truth. “I’m a truth seeker. That’s what I do every day on the show – put out the truth. Some people don’t like it, they call it sensational, but I say life is sensational.” O.W.

U is for Underdog. Gracious Mother Oprah is a champion of underdogs, which is a very good thing for you girls. She is also a champion of celebrities, a champion of dieters, a champion of working moms, a champion of SAHM’s, a champion of glass ceiling busters.. really unless you are a liar, a killer or someone she believes is a fraud Oprah is your champion.

V is for Values. A nebulous quality that your school will talk a lot about instilling. The best way to be seen to have values is to talk a lot about them. If you do this your school will know they are instilled.

W is for Wealth. It is incredible that one person can be so wealthy that they can fund in perpetuity a school with facilities better beyond measure than that which an entire nation has managed to provide.

X is for Xmas. Apparently some of your parents were very upset that you weren’t allowed to spend Xmas with them. They need to understand that in order to be fully inculcated into Oprah’s vision for you a complete break from the homefires will be needed. You can’t just run back to the shanty town because it’s the holidays girls.. never mind, you might find one of these in your stocking come Xmas morning.

Y is for Yam Brulee with Rum and Ginger. Only 420 calories! OR 1757 kilojoules. Without using your calculator work out how many kilojoules are in each calorie.

Z is for Zulu. Yeah baby!

Heather Keeps Her Leg On (But Not Her Hat)

Mrs ex-McCartney has made her debut on America’s Dancing With The Stars and, to the disappointment of all, has kept her artificial leg on.

I have heard Bodog.com are offering odds that it will come off during the competition.

I’m gonna put my neck out and prophesy that Heather will lose her leg by week 4 of the competition, providing she hasn’t been voted off first.

If publicists know what’s good for them, they’ll rig Heather’s apparatus to fly off – nothing says RATINGS like a flying limb, particularly the limb of a blood-sucking gold digger. I know I’ll be watching, just on the off-chance that it happens…