Apparently parents of the girls at Oprah’s kick ass new school in South Africa are complaining the school is too strict. No email or video games (I thought these kids have been plucked from huts??) and they are only allowed FRUIT and YOGURT for snacks. The parents are only permitted to visit once a month–perhaps to curtail the smuggling of chocolate into the compound.
Well listen up girls, while you are being educated in your billion dollar school there are a few precepts you will need to start with. Drink deeply of these truths and your education will not fail you.
A is for Abject Poverty, from whence you came.
B is for Blasphemy. There is a lot of this out there in the big world. Stay away from it. You will only cause the your Gracious Mother Oprah pain.
C is for Calories. Now maybe you didn’t get enough of these before you entered the The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls but now that you are here these are very important. They will be a part of your Math studies. Learn them well.
D is for Diet. Try and incorporate a discussion of your diet into all your essays. This will allow your Gracious Mother Oprah to relate to you and hopefully it will improve your grades.
E is for Entertainment Weekly. They will visit regularly. Smile brilliantly and you might get some extra fruit.
F is for fundraising. See above, re the smiling.
G is for Gayle. She is Oprah’s special friend, but not too special; this is still South Africa.
H is for Haiku.
We freeze like gazelle
Gracious Mother Oprah hears
Crackle of chips bag.
I is for “If Oprah was President“. Girls, when you dream this for Momma Oprah you will be dreaming it for yourselves as well!
“I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.” O.W.
J is for Juggernaut. Always wanted to be a part of something? Well now you well and truly are! Just think in 5 or 10 years a certain number of you will be guests on Oprah’s show, shining products of her charity. And a certain number of you will be on Oprah’s rivals’ shows, revealing tales of your years in Oprah’s Gulag.
K is for kilojoules. This will feature in your Math unit, “Our Friend, the Metric System”.
L is for Leadership qualities, a necessity for acceptance. Pity the poor introvert whose brilliance failed to shine.
M is for Maya Angelou. She is the greatest literary figure in the Western world and you will be reading her collected works throughout your English studies.
N is for NetNanny. You might try complaining about this instead of moaning about too much fruit. You tech types will need to learn how to crack NetNanny if you want to experience true freedom of speech. Remember Mandela!! This should be your cry if caught.
O IS FOR OPRAH.
P is for Dr. Phil. Peevish feelings about school? How’s that workin’ for you?
Q is for Questions. Is the school run along American lines or is it truly a South African institution? Will there be a Prom? How will Oprah deal with values other than her own being taught?
R is for Roots, a book Oprah may well have been enamored with in her youth.
“I love this country–the land, the people. Africa represents the root of my ancestors, the root of me.” O.W.
“My first day in Chicago, September 4, 1983. I set foot in this city, and just walking down the street, it was like roots, like the motherland. I knew I belonged here.” O.W.
S is for Stedman. Any of you girls developing a school girl crush on Oprah should study People magazine carefully for more information.
T is for Truth. “I’m a truth seeker. That’s what I do every day on the show – put out the truth. Some people don’t like it, they call it sensational, but I say life is sensational.” O.W.
U is for Underdog. Gracious Mother Oprah is a champion of underdogs, which is a very good thing for you girls. She is also a champion of celebrities, a champion of dieters, a champion of working moms, a champion of SAHM’s, a champion of glass ceiling busters.. really unless you are a liar, a killer or someone she believes is a fraud Oprah is your champion.
V is for Values. A nebulous quality that your school will talk a lot about instilling. The best way to be seen to have values is to talk a lot about them. If you do this your school will know they are instilled.
W is for Wealth. It is incredible that one person can be so wealthy that they can fund in perpetuity a school with facilities better beyond measure than that which an entire nation has managed to provide.
X is for Xmas. Apparently some of your parents were very upset that you weren’t allowed to spend Xmas with them. They need to understand that in order to be fully inculcated into Oprah’s vision for you a complete break from the homefires will be needed. You can’t just run back to the shanty town because it’s the holidays girls.. never mind, you might find one of these in your stocking come Xmas morning.
Y is for Yam Brulee with Rum and Ginger. Only 420 calories! OR 1757 kilojoules. Without using your calculator work out how many kilojoules are in each calorie.
Z is for Zulu. Yeah baby!