Cynicism

If something good happens to you, you had better be careful: good things are just what the supreme non-denominational god-head figure puts in the way of your “life path” in order to get your guard down…You are walking down the street, no one else is around and you see a fifty dollar note in the middle of the road; you walk over to pick it up — “This must be my lucky day” you say to yourself — then… BAM! You are hit by a truck.

That’s how the ol’ chap upstairs works, see?

Scientists dupe gullible atheists yet again

As an addendum to yesterday’s post, I note that scientists/Satanists appear to have identified the family of asteroids from which one supposedly wiped out the dragons/dinosaurs.

The name of the family of asteroids? “Baptistina”, no doubt a swipe directed at the Westboro Baptist Church.

Folks, here’s the truth:

There Go the Dinosaurs

The latest Chick tract is so insane and scattered that it’s very difficult to sum up in one paragraph. In essence, it’s a confused rant about how dinosaurs can be reconciled with Creationism.

I really suggest you kill five minutes and read the tract itself, but if you actually have a life — and in that case, why are you reading this blog? — here’s a rundown of some of the wackiness you’re missing out on:

• humans and dinosaurs once coexisted, but back then, dinosaurs were called “dragons”
• despite the previous point, a member of a dragon hunting party refers to “dino-burgers”
• a dinosaur was hanging around Adam and Eve when they disobeyed God and ate the fruit in the Garden of Eden (which, I must emphasise again, may well have been a banana)
• a lack of available oxygen post-Flood meant that dinosaurs were easier to hunt and so soon became extinct
• The real issue isn’t where the dinosaurs went… It’s where YOU will go when you die. Heaven or hell? — The choice is yours.

So apparently The Flintstones is an accurate depiction of life in the not-too-distant past.

Wait — a child born with incredible gifts, raised by a man who was not his biological father… Was Bam-Bam the Messiah?

Adam’s apple

It’s funny the way assumptions are made over time.

For example, the “fruit” eaten by Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden is not once referred to as an apple. See for yourself: NIV (UK), KJV.

So how do we know it was an apple? We don’t; it may have been a pear, a peach or even a banana. In fact, a banana would make more sense — it’s no wonder the Big G was pissed off.

“Here. stick this in your mouth,” says Eve shortly after fellating a banana in front of Adam.

“Oh yeah, baby,” says Adam as he symbolically devours his own penis.

Upon the sudden sound of thunder, Adam’s head jerks around quickly. “Oh shit, I think I just heard Yahweh — quick, get me a fig-leaf to hide my boner.”

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Pope to Protestants: You phonies suck!

I reckon peace and harmony are overrated — frankly, they make life less fun.

Luckily, Pope “Palpatine” Benedict XVI agrees, sending a July “Fuck you!” message to Protestants, with a gentle finger-wag at the Orthodox Church for good measure:

PROTESTANT churches have reacted with dismay to a new declaration approved by the Pope insisting they were mere “ecclesial communities” and their ministers in effect phonies with no right to give communion.

Coming just days after the reinstatement of the Latin Mass, Tuesday’s document left no doubt about the Pope’s eagerness to back traditional Catholic practices and attitudes, even at the expense of causing offence.

[…]

The Vatican’s statement had fewer misgivings about the Orthodox Church, which had “true sacraments” and a genuine priesthood. But its failure to acknowledge the Pope’s authority meant it suffered from a “defectus”, politely translated from Latin as “a wound”.

That’s right, Joey Ratz has turned into Eric Cartman: “Respect my authoritah!”

Of course, the underlying thoughts behind these statements aren’t particularly surprising, but it’s somewhat shocking to see them stated so plainly. Pope John Paul II, conservative though he was, at least made efforts to heal old wounds, rather than rubbing salt into them.

The real question here is why any Christian who doesn’t already recognise the Pope’s authority will give a shit as to what he has to say about them. This really is a case of “preaching to the choir”.